To be or not to be sober? That is the question.

I didn’t get a chance to write a post yesterday, interrupting the therapy of writing something everyday, but I didn’t have time. For the benefit of the future, better me reading this back, this is what I would have written yesterday:

I am back to being me, I am looking good, my face looks ten years younger, and I am looking slimmer. I haven’t weighed or measured yet, but my ‘feel good’ yesterday included digging out some clothes, and boots that I haven’t considered wearing in a long time; heels, and big hooped earrings. Actually caring about me again. I aim to replace my former bad habits with a new ‘addiction’ – fashion, vitality and fitness.

Last night though, the feel food factor duped me into again reconsidering whether I want to be (for want of a better word) a T-Totaler. I envisioned going to the theatre, city breaks, evenings out at the weekend, with a glass of wine or a beer. This is my weakness, I keep questioning the decision to give up drinking alcohol completely. Do I want to be a non-drinker for ever, or to be someone who only drinks, rarely?

Well last night I decided it was the latter. So I had a bottle of wine. I am always applying rules to assist me to moderate, they are rarely effective, and often quickly dismissed. Last night, I ruled that my wine would be mixed with soda water to stop me drinking too much. This worked to an extent, I feel sure it prevented me drinking more than I had planned, and lessened the hangover this morning. I still had the hangover though, and getting up at seven o’clock was impossible, as I didn’t go to bed until one (am).

This morning, I would write:

I am feeling the regret that I have let myself down again. Last night I didn’t want to give up the drink, this morning I do. Am I just swearing off the drink because I am experiencing a hangover, or do I really want to do this? I am, and never have been someone who drinks everyday. I usually go for a week, even two without a drink. Why then, after a period of abstinence, when the novelty of my no-alcohol achievement has worn off, do I always reconsider, and overrule my decision to have a future without alcohol?

Why do I want to quit drinking? I return to the decision to quit because, when I drink, I usually drink too much. I have had long periods in the past where I have been alcohol free, and now, every time I experience a hangover, I look back with regret, because I would like to be the non-drinking me again. I have come to dislike the drunken me, over the years, and I am now only confident socialising when I am not drinking, because I can trust myself, who knows what I’ll say or do when I am drunk! Also, the weekends when I choose to drink, are ruined by a cycle of drinking, hangover, ‘hair of the dog’ drinking, hangover, until Monday’s sober pledge again.

The obvious conclusion to come to then, is this: I don’t enjoy drinking alcohol anymore, and I should continue to plan to quit. Being a non-alcohol drinker, IS (I think), what I really want.

I read somewhere of a woman who had successfully given up alcohol, who had tattooed ‘DQD’ on the inside of their arm – ‘Don’t Question the Decision’. That sounds like what I should do, not the tattoo, but to stop questioning my decision to quit. So, I will continue to envisage a life without alcohol as being my best future choice and stop questioning the decision. As Daisy Fay Said:

“You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute”

Tomorrow, I will hopefully write:

Feeling good, waking up on a hangover free morning!

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